Recap

Sleepless night.
She doesn’t wanna plunge into that abyss again.

Thinking back, the fear for losing control sources back to since at least undergraduate studies. Pressure from studying, living up to expectations, and demands had taken a toll on her eating habits. BN has tormented her from first year onwards, and the course waxed and waned through these years. It got better when she was in Org Psyc. It had been one of the happiest, and most carefree periods in her life.

Afterwards it was HK, and that person whose name begins with N, just like her. Yes, the name that she dreaded to speak of, even in her mind. The disappearance on her has taken an even bigger toll. If there can be PTSD from relationships, I will definitely call this a human trauma. A trauma that shook her core values regarding herself, others, and the world. She is thankful of it being over now, and also of the lesson that she learnt from it. Perhaps the pressure from her first practicum contributed as well, but it was her that had further precipitated her disordered eating, and she put on compensatory actions for the insecurity with overspending and a mixture of hypersociality. It had to be addressed.

PWH was a heaven to her. Perhaps it was the paradise and only hope that she had at that time. But BN actually never got better.